The Bachelorette Australia: Tangos and Topknots

What to do, what to do. This blog has always been a “please yourself” kind of place (for me, at least). Getting some pressure from the fans to write a particular post, however, and wondering whether to a) capitulate/concede – supply-demand sort of thing or b) ignore demands and write about something obscure instead. Oh, I’d be nothing without you people – nothing! – so here we go: last night’s Bachelorette.

So what happened last night? Ah, of course, BroCode™ cropped up within 30 seconds. In the same breath as declaring BroCode™ “gone”, Sasha reaffirmed his faith and asked the brothers from other mothers to join him in maintaining mutual respect (for each other, you know, because we’re not sure we know what mutual means).

By the way, Sasha appears to have changed his name – he’s now just Sash (I was starting to really like Sasha as a boy’s name, too). We hear from Sash a lot tonight, though, so let’s save ink and the ‘a’ key and stick with Sash (which is also a very cool name).

Sash shares screen time roughly equally with Davo #2 in this episode, although Sash gets to look sensitive yet rugged in his shots, whereas Davo #2 just gets to look desperate, pleading and needy throughout. In fairness to the Channel Ten manipulators, the desperate, pleading and needy words to reinforce his desperate, pleading and needy appearance do come from his own mouth (although it becomes so repetitive I think they might have “I really want a date with Sam” on a loop). He also put his baseball cap on backwards – this style move still does nothing for me. I’d like him to go home, please, although Will and his hair could also leave and I wouldn’t miss them, either.

On a side note, presenter man Osher seems ludicrously comfortable with Bachelorette Sam – they have a very interesting relationship. Please don’t end up with Osher, Sam – I know it sounds a lot like Sasha, but stay focused.

Ah, the single date. Sam picked Sash – of course – and they had a dance lesson and got dressed in beautiful stuff and performed for each other (and us) and it was Beautiful. Sam is all giggly around Sash, but in an endearing way (giggles can be extremely annoying – Sam has used the time between The Bachelor and The Bachelorette to perfect the art of endearing giggling. Time well spent).

Ah, it was lovely.

From the sublime to the ridiculous

Group date: Sam picked a load of the blokes to participate in a dodgy photoshoot, ostensibly to raise awareness of some charity. For some reason, this involved them being topless and frolicking with dogs “chosen to match” each dude. Goodness knows what the guy who got what looked like a pair of Pomeranian puppies made of his “match”, but I don’t suppose he’s thinking final three.

Note to Channel Ten: please can you give them all name badges? I haven’t learnt them all yet and will just keep referring to them as Davo unless the situation changes. I realise this won’t help much when you keep arranging shirtless dates, but perhaps we could just have them all stay clothed and tagged...? Something to think about, maybe; would just really help when trying to write about them. Even different hairstyles would be a start. I’ll leave it with you.

Anyway, Sam very confidently directed the boys in their photoshoot, although it didn’t seem like much of a date to me – she was standing metres away barking (haha) orders from the camera’s viewpoint. A more suspicious writer may suggest she was more interested in their nipples than their, er, personalities.  But that’s not me and I love The Bachelorette – maybe she is just killing time until she can marry Sash and this was a good way to stand well back and enjoy the puppies.

Incidentally, I hated seeing the boys swap tips on muscle maximisation pre-photoshoot (‘do some press-ups to make your muscles stand out more’ – this nearly made me sick).

In case anyone cares, I thought that guy with the sticking-up hair (Will?) did pretty well with his puppy and pitchfork; Davo #2 maintained his pitiful status, wrestling with a Rottweiler or similar and looking terrified throughout. That’s enough of the topless boys – they put me off the puppies (that’s why I keep having to play guess the breed as I write).

At the cocktail party, Davo #2 (I’m assuming it was him; the shouts came from off-camera but it’s the kind of thing he’d do) hollered “Good luck, my friend” as Sam whisked Davo #6 off for a chat. I thought it was for a chat, anyway; goodness knows what Davo #2 was wishing him luck for.

Then Sam popped back in to grab Sash (yes!). Sash didn’t expect this after their lovely single date (he’s so modest). Sam and Sash chatted about their date, with the scent of unfinished business lingering heavily. Sam spent half an hour fumbling with Sash’s chest/buttonhole on the date and he still didn’t take the hint. By the cocktail party, Sash is kicking himself for not kissing her and decides to go for it. No, not go for it, ask her if he can kiss her. No, not ask her, TELL her “I really want to kiss you”. Ooh! So exciting. Over to you, Sam.

“You should.”

Hurrah! I knew it! Note to Channel Ten: I will never believe anything you imply ever again. All those trailers making out it was going to be so awkward between them, showing Sam pulling an uncomfortable face following Sash’s declaration (“I really want to kiss you”, in case you have forgotten). But you did this with Sam (male) and Lana just two short weeks ago on The Bachelor and I fell for it then but I am older and wiser now and am immune to your cruel tricks. Okay, I was a bit scared and fell for it a bit but mostly I felt you were horrid red herring dealers who cannot be trusted. You do make an excellent show, though, so I’m not that cross with you.

Let’s cut to the rose ceremony. Every other shot was Davo #2 (nasty Channel Ten manipulators); every other voiceover Davo #2 mumbling about how he really wants to stay and how he needs a chance with Sam and blah blah blah. Please go home.

Final two boyos: Davo #2 and that topknot bloke. I had a horrid flashback to a point in the episode where Sam ruminated re Topknot. Apparently he likes her too much. She doesn’t know if she likes that.

She hasn’t seen that Davo #2 says silly things all the time about wanting to be with her. She has only seen Topknot, who says that he wants to be with her to her face, not to the camera.

Topknot pays the price for his heart on sleeve nature. Davo #2 lives to sulk to the camera another day.

More seriously, this means there is only Will(?) left to promote alternative hairstyles to the group.

Oh, and when Davo #2 scored the final buttonhole – “Will you accept this rose?” – he responded, “Hell yeah!”. Please get rid of him, Sam; he hurts my head.