The Bachelorette Australia: One Date, Two Planes

This episode opened with Osher looking as though he was going to work in a kitchen after delivering the single date card. A very weird shirt poked out from beneath the overcoat. Maybe he was as confused by the weather as the boys, whose outfits ranged from a singlet and baseball cap to puffer jacket and woolly hat. Where on earth (in Sydney) are they living? I don’t recall getting a hat out over winter, but then I was never forced to sit outside making small talk until a man walked up to me and placed a blue envelope on a nearby table, either. Not to worry. Alex (English, bald) got the single date. I say date – how would you rate your chances with a potential beau if they showed you two planes and got into the one you didn’t? It’s about as romantic as one of them going to Canberra and the other to Brisbane for the day.

It turns out people in planes is also a spectacularly dull spectator sport – I started tidying up as an alternative to watching, so no idea if sparks flew half a mile apart in the air or not.

Post-planes, they had a little chat and I found Alex to be about as interesting as a Tiger Moth. So you have lived on five continents. Didn’t Sam (male) find the same fact fascinating about Lana? What, you lived in...A DIFFERENT COUNTRY? You haven’t always been in Australia the whole time? Wait, so you’ve been on a plane BEFORE today? That is fascinating.

Anyway, Sam (female) found him very interesting, so perhaps he was being harshly edited and actually muttered something worthwhile off-camera (I am feeling very generous today).

For all his dullness or otherwise, however, Sam kissed him on the lips. Twice. I viewed this as market research on Sam’s part and nothing more.

Alex viewed it as something more. This is where, for me, he fell out of dull territory and firmly into “jackass” territory (as our friend Davo #2 would say). Back at the ranch, Alex produced a buttonhole from somewhere about his person as he entered the room, performing the gesture like a magician with a hugely disappointing bunch of flowers. The sad little rose head was accompanied by some OTT bow as though he’d come home with her bra in his pocket.

Obviously this is bad enough. But it got worse. The boys started quizzing him on whether they “pashed”, and Alex spent about two seconds weighing up whether or not to spill before his ego answered for him.

Unfortunately, Sash was the instigator of the majority of the pash inquisition, losing several cool points. In fact, Sash fails to give a decent account of himself throughout (more of which later).

Later

God, the group date was even worse than the single one. Dodgeball. Or something. Davo #2 came off as an idiot, and not just because of his headband. Richie/Richey (noticed for the first time today) also appeared absolutely gross. Sash never stopped going on about how his manly team had this in the bag and how pathetic the other weeny team of losers was going to be. In fairness, it is probably hard to come off well in a team of men on trampolines. I understand men can occasionally demonstrate mild competitive tendencies and I think this played a tiny part in them all generally looking like tossers out there.

This game also went on FOREVER – does Channel Ten hate us?

Dodgeball, pt 19

No idea what happened in the rest of the game – I went to clean the kitchen. When I came back, Sam and the winners were at a spa, semi-naked and covered in mud. PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.  Or just chat about your future in your pants. No biggie.

The hot tub

This was just too weird/stupid. I used to have a hot tub – the problem with them is that they make a lot of noise. When I saw the Bachelorette hot tub, I thought this was not going to be conducive to an intimate conversation if they go anywhere near the control panel.

And they didn’t turn it on. Good job – ear pollution aside, all those rose petals would probably have clogged the filter. But then why not sit in a regular spa bath? Hot tubs are not attractive – that’s why you turn them on, so the bubbles disguise their general awfulness. Sam needs to think these dates through a little more.

Incidentally, some man called Kieran appeared in this episode – where did he come from?

Cocktail party

The boys must have taken a craft class this week, as out came the homemade gifts. Michael started strongly, presenting Sam with a “mix tape” that actually turned out to be “fun facts” about, er, himself.

One of the fun facts was his favourite numbers. Sam leapt on this fascinating info – “4 is MY favourite number TOO!” Dear God. My guess is that he chose those numbers – and included this “fact” – because they are the shirt numbers of football teams he has played for (lest we forget he is a professional football player, because he doesn’t like to mention it). But Sam ruined it by trampling all over his fact and explaining why four is HER favourite number. Calm down, Sam, it’s just a NUMBER.

Meanwhile, Sash is stalking around looking cross that Michael has played against type and actually been pro-active about getting near Sam. My woman. Keep off. Ug.

I did say Sash was not a top performer tonight. I wish I had been lying. It started off well enough at the cocktail party: whilst Michael did indeed ask permission to speak to Sam (I seem to remember he asked the other boys rather than her, but oh well, BroCode™ etc), Sam was the instigator when it came to chatting with Sash. This was extremely fortuitous, as Sash just happened to have a gift for her, too. And OMG it involved the number 4, too! How many times must Sam have brought numbers into the conversation with her boys? Maybe they all just got a factsheet about her at the beginning. No, hang on...

Sam: “How do you know all this?”

Sash: “Because I listen when you talk.”

Sash somehow manages to make this sound sinister, aggressive and even as though Sam is a bit stupid for having to ask (it’s called flirting, Sash – she doesn’t really care how you know about her and is probably well aware you all got a factsheet at the start).

So Sash’s offering– a framed “4” (seriously) decorated with all sorts of tiny drawings showing just how much he knows about Sam (“Here’s an eye, because I know you have eyes”) – vanishes into thin air before they even leave the room, but Sash is happy – he’s back on solid ground, in his opinion, and I can only agree because all his petulance took place out of sight of our heroine. But it’s not cool with me, Sash – just so you know.

Quick Davo #2 update

Davo #2 managed to excel in the talking bollocks department tonight. “Every person is a threat.” “I’ve got to fight for Sam’s attention.” “I know what not to do now.”

Speaking of Davo #2, what does he have going with the camera crew? He popped up a disproportionate number of times AGAIN tonight (seriously, I had no idea about Kieran until this evening, but I am pretty close to working out what hair gel Davo #2 uses).

Okay, rose ceremony time. Davo #2 gets left until last again, presumably for the camera crew’s benefit. Sam offers him a stay of execution – why, Sam? Do you hate me? – and this time, Davo #2 has clearly read my blog, for he steers well clear of any Hell Yeahs tonight. In response to Sam’s dulcet tones – “Will you accept this rose?” – Davo #2 replies, “I do”.

I do.

I DO?!?!?!

Bloody hell.