The Bachelorette Australia: almost over

I can hardly bear it: final Bachelorette week? No way! Sam gives us a glimpse into the future, walking with a stick along the beach in the opening scene.

Then we’re yanked back to the present and she blindfolds her first date...

Horrid girlfriend

In an extremely romantic gesture, Sam arranges for Sash to go skydiving. Sash is terrified of heights. Sam knows this: he didn’t like jumping off the rock - also Sam’s idea - at the beginning of the series.

If he does this, he must think he has this comp in the bag. She can’t make him address his fears, repeatedly, then drop him for the footballer (let’s face it, Richie’s off tonight).

It turned out well: Sash loved his jump, and karma hit Sam within seconds of landing. Okay, she experienced adrenaline. But they made a big deal of it – elevated blood pressure! (Barely, and temporary.) Mildly speedy heart rate! (Just jumped out of a plane and still below 100bpm – hardly a danger signal. I bet the medical guy hated the production team: “Look, you may as well ramp up the tension by acting as though she’s on her way out: we’re going to be adding a dramatic soundtrack anyway.”) But it provided Sash with a golden opportunity to be sweet, caring and masculine and to tell her she looks cute all snuggled up in her OTT blanket. And I want him to win, although – whisper it – there’s something not quite right. It’s just a feeling and I wish it would go away, because he is better than the actor Michael. Sometimes I like that boy; other times, he’s perfect in a bad way. Saying the right stuff, being perky yet sensitive, loving everything Sam arranges for them. Bleurgh. At least Sash has more than love-bunny mode. If Sam spent as much time with Michael as we have, I’m sure she’d get sick of it, too. That is if it’s not all an act that he’ll drop at being hailed the victor.

Back to Sash.

I absolutely loved the field scene (Sam being crook on the ground, Sash being strong and tender towards her). But then it got a bit weird. Sam said she didn’t have nice things. I think she was telling Sash she wants nice things (from him. Please). Also, t’other bloke’s a pro footie player! If she can’t handle being with someone as posh as Sash (no idea what he even does for a living), how’s she going to cope with Beckham?

Speaking of Becks, I think Richie is going for a Beckham/Ljungberg hybrid look for his swansong, sporting a slouchy beanie (love those things, although I don’t think this one loved him so much).

Anyway, appearance, schmappearance. Apparently, Richie has never “been to the snow”.

Enter fairy godmother Sam and her trusty chopper. Off they flew to “the snow”.

There. Now you’ve seen it! You can go home now.

Seriously. They didn’t even get to look at the skis, except on other people. They – I promise – made snow angels, then Richie carried Sam on his back for about half a metre, then they fell over then went to find that couch and cheese combo they insist on carting around every episode. It was in a log cabin (of course – they’re at “the snow”).

Cool bananas

Sam wants Richie to be seduced by the couch and tell her he loves her. Yikes.

Cringey bananas

Sam pushed and pushed for this. I don’t think she was exactly overwhelmed by the result of her pushing, although it undoubtedly made her decision twenty times easier.

Like Sash, Richie has “walls” (come on, boys). Unlike Sash, however (who has minimal staff guarding his fort at this stage), Richie, er, kind of, er, struggled with, his, er, “opening up” kind of thing. Er. He stammered his way through some utter nonsense, mumbling something about “falling in you” and “being open to love”, but failing to match the person to the sentiment. Oh, he said he had a crush on her, too. Er. Enough, already – make it stop. Where’s Michael? It’s time for his performance.

The Michael Show

Ugh. Lucky Michael got to go whale watching. “That’s perfect! We’re going to have an amazing time!”

They saw a whale. “It’s a real whale!”

Michael’s got a beautiful girl sitting on his knee. Michael is happy. (When Sam wasn’t around, he admitted he didn’t give a rat’s for the whale-watching).

Michael asked Sam to propose to him. Also told her blokes didn’t know what to do sometimes. Get rid, Sam. Sounds as though he’s making excuses for the rest of his life already. Get rid!

Sam did enjoy being cuddly and squishy with Michael (her words, not mine – please never attribute those words to me).

Moving on, they went from chasing whales around to eating in an aquarium.

“I’m having dinner underwater!”

The opposite of Richie, Michael was difficult/impossible to shut up, banging on about his feelings again and again. And again.

Sam even told him that the best part of the day was when they weren’t talking. So Michael banged on about how much he loved that, too. “It’s the cuddles, right?”

It’s creepy. I have decided he is trying to win a competition.

Incidentally, he’s Australian. How come he’s still Michael, always Michael, not Mike, Mikey, Miko?

Roses are red, Richie is blue

The rose ceremony proved to be the dampest of squibs. Of course the man who hasn’t been able to string an emotional, coherent sentence together is jumping in the car home. Not that Richie seems to think so. He thinks he’s told Sam how he feels. I don’t think he has. Sam still claimed the decision was tearing her apart. I don’t think it was.

Nevertheless, she cried as she dismissed Richie. Actually, she cried after saying Michael’s name...oops.

Bye, Richie.

“Er, yeah, so, er, I guess I mean, like, bye, or something, yeah. Cool bananas.”

Goodbye, Richie.

Final tonight! I just threw double exclamation marks in, then dropped one because I hate that! But it is exciting! Sash for the win, Michael for Home and Away!