Oh, God, The Bachelorette. Here we go.
Poor Georgia: the show opened with an ad for a different programme at the bottom of the screen, so she was frequently captioned ‘The Wrong Girl’ during the opening segment.
Osher introduces her as ‘very beautiful, very nervous’. Well, she doesn’t have a job any more – she quit that to do this! – so maybe looks are all we have to judge her on now.
Speaking of which, Georgia says she ‘quit her job, quit her career’, because she’s that serious about finding love. Is she now going to be a professional Bachelorette, then?
I didn’t catch her age, but she doesn’t look old or even close. What is it with women thinking they are running out of time to find a man? Georgia says, ‘Your career’s not going to come home and hug you at night.’ Probably not, but the bailiffs might. Ah, who needs a career? Money, schmoney.
Why she’s here is her business. Here come the men.
Oh God. A firefighter. Seriously, Channel Ten?
Apparently they are.
This is Cam. He’s 26 and I think he’s from Perth. He’s a firefighter.
Georgia asks him what he does for a living.
He’s a firefighter.
‘Ever been in a calendar?’
As it happens, he has. Of course. But still, fancy that being your first question to a fire hero. Way to trivialise saving lives and cats.
But they’re very cute and wide-eyed together. He also refrains from any introductory gimmicks; one point to Cam. Onwards.
Jake, 20, sales. My notes are lame, but they’re moving fast! One out, one in. Okay, Jake. Jake... Oh, yeah. Bit lacking, I think. Exhibit A, Your Honour...
He’s part of a very tight family. He wears a ring with his initials. ‘My dad and brother also wear rings with their initials.’ Very tight family.
Georgia: ‘Is it just your brother?’
Jake: ‘And my mum and dad.’
They enjoy a scintillating conversation about eyes. Your eyes are amazing. They’re blue. My eyes are the opposite. Yeah, they’re really. Dark.
Georgia never lets up with the convo . I think the interviewing experience – she was a news presenter before she quit her career to become a professional Bachelorette – is showing. She never lets a pause in.
The first non-black pair of shoes steps out. It’s a model.
He, sorry, he’s a model. Getting dragged into the meat market mentality there.
Rhys comes across as an instant knob, and not in a good way. ‘I’m a model slash entrepreneur.’
He tells Georgia to listen carefully, then stumbles through a couple of banal lines of French he’s clearly rehearsed. He thinks he’s clever.
Georgia answers him (in Australian).
Rhys is a bit confused. ‘You speak French?’
Georgia: ‘Ah, yes’.
Then comes Courtney. In a very bright blue suit that looks awesome with the shirt and tie combo he or somebody has chosen.
He offers a bracelet made of pasta.
It all starts to go wrong for me and my notes here as the editors decide to speed things up. These must be the nobodies. There’s Ryan the sailor, who gives her a bag and blows some bubbles.
Matt wears a velvet suit and shoves an mp3 player in her hand. ‘Mix tape’. Good one.
Some more randoms, who knows who.
Oh Lord, what is this?
This is Carlos. 29. ‘I’m a business mogul’. I have never heard anybody refer to themselves as a mogul.
Oh, he’s also a stripper. Wonderful.
Hang on, not another pasta bracelet.
My mistake, it’s from Tiffany.
Yes, Tiffany bracelet from Carlos, who signs out with a ‘Ciao, ciao’ as he heads for the Playboy mansion. Ludicrous.
No, no, Bachelorette, you can stop now. The Tiffany bracelet cannot be topped in terms of sheer nonsense, oh wait though, here is a man towing a tiny donkey wearing a sombrero.
This man is called Lee, he makes lame jokes, which is perfect because Georgia said at the start she wanted a guy to ‘make bad puns, tell dad jokes, make me laugh then pull out a guitar and sing to me’. She might get a ukulele out of this one.
...Aaron, Jay (?). Just guessing at names now as we run through some more also-rans. Is that another Matt passing through?
Ben. Help. 32, miner. Has dogs (my notes are so comprehensive, but it turns out I didn’t need the dog note to remember Ben, because he helpfully tells Georgia he has done three nervous poos so far, ensuring we will not forget him, however much we might like to after that).
Shoes are so narrow these days; how do boys get their toes in them?
I didn’t get Beard Man’s name. Beard Man will do.
Oh Lord, who is THIS?!?
Sam. Oh God! He’s local!
Channel Ten, what are you doing to us? It’s too much! The soundtrack, the scooter helmet, the sunnies, the combing of the hair, stop, stop!
Sam hopes this lass is good-looking. This whole lark is new for him: Sam NEVER has to do the chasing. (I think he just whistles and up they scamper.)
Sam is very funny. He asked four ‘dealbreakers’. Georgia answered all ‘incorrectly’ and Sam looked completely baffled. The questions were rubbish, by the way. In case you missed it, here they are:
2. Pineapple on pizza: yes/no
4. Tomato sauce, once opened: fridge/pantry
Despite his utter and obvious horror at Georgia’s responses, Sam says, ‘There are no right or wrong answers’. Later, to camera, he expresses his amazement that a girl could ever disagree with him. (Sam, they were ‘x or y?’ questions and she didn’t even know your preferred answers! Ah, well, he’s not going to win anyway.)
Sam’s the last one into the mansion. ‘Good-looking rooster, isn’t he?’ says a random male, as Sam struts towards them. Rooster’s one word.
The meat sits around talking amongst itself, discussing strategies, opening lines, donkeys...
Ben (3 Poos) says with genuine awe and regret, ‘I should have thought to bring a donkey’. He goes on to muse how it might not have been so good then, as there would have been two donkeys, but his could have kept the other company in the garden etc. Hopefully Ben doesn’t eat himself up completely over this botched opportunity.
Goodness, there’s so much more to tell you, but we’re cruising at an altitude of more than 1100 words already. Let’s speed things up...
I think Aaron and Rhys have found love. They are a hugely annoying double act who find each other amusing but that’s about the extent of their fanbase. Please send at least one of them home soonish, G.
Georgia and Jake had a funny conversation. Ones to watch, those two.
Cam and Georgia had a bonding session over Disney. Ones to watch, those two.
Northern Beaches Sam redeemed himself during his second chat with G, saying that he had spoken with the boys, who explained that they could order two pizzas, avec et sans pineapple. G suggested a two-ketchup bottle scenario. Sweet. Sam’s growing on me.
Jake gave up his prime position next to G so that Courtney could sit with her for a bit. Jake’s lovely. I’ve decided that.
Courtney invented an allergy wristband for children. Courtney’s lovely. I’ve decided that.
Carlos’s tux fits extremely snugly at the waist. He tells G he gave her the bracelet to show her what he could offer her. He also said something about wanting to ‘meet girls, make money and have a good time’. GOODBYE, CARLOS.
There’s a First Impression Rose up for grabs.
Random meat: ‘Who’s going to get the rose?’
Ben (wistful and heartfelt): ‘Donkey or Pasta Bracelet.’ (Pasta Bracelet does indeed scoop the orange flower.)
Rose ceremony time. 15 meat. 13 flowers. Osher does the maths for them.
Georgia hands out flowers until they run out, with the Tiffany stripper and a random meat standing around empty-handed at the climax.
Random meat, making far too much of a very brief encounter: 'Obviously she didn’t feel the same way I did.'
Carlos the stripper: 'I gave it a red-hot crack.'
See you next time.