The Bachelorette: The One Where Rhys Writes a Poem

Is this series sponsored by Gillette? The boys have woken up in the Playboy mansion and are looking smooooth.

Aaron scoops up the envelope Osher has carelessly left behind. Electing himself series compère, he makes a performance out of reading a cryptic clue and a single name. But Aaron could make a performance out of trimming his nails.

Jake’s the lucky dog destined to hook up with Georgia today and the cryptic clue reads, ‘Let’s hang together’.

Unfortunately for Jake, this means we have yet another daring, adventurous, fun-loving Bachelorette and he will be expected to do something he doesn’t want to for someone he doesn’t know.

Cue cable car over the Blue Mountains. Cue grinding to a halt halfway across. Cue Georgia looking all cute: ‘Okay, so I may not have told the whole truth...’

Yes, Jake, we’re hopping out here! Moseying to a shelf via a rope! We’ll be tied together and lowered down! What fun!

Really. These poor boys. But they’ll do anything for a potential pash, and there’s surely no other option but to acquiesce, so the rope goes on and so does the date. Jake expresses an overwhelming preference for the Chesterfield sofa and fireplace that greets them at the other end, but Georgia doesn’t clock this and says she loves the fact that he just went for it, glossing over the fact that she left him little to zero choice.

Anyway, he gets to hold her hand on the sofa. She mentions chemistry. Jake says, ‘That’s a good word’. He’s a fan of cliché, so he throws in ‘rollercoaster’ and ‘butterflies’ for good measure. It all works out. There are many smiles. A kiss takes place. These two could live happily ever after.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

...what am I thinking, making a bread and butter pudding at the same time as The Bachelorette is on?

I had to leave the TV just as the meat discussed what Jake might be up to. By the time I get back, Jake is whipping his rose out and high-fiving his new buds. Bit sad, but I think I understand: it’s something to do with being a boy.

Very excited for G, though (I hope it’s okay to call her G – she can let me know). She really is very pretty: massive smile!

I’ll let you know how the pudding turns out.

The group date

Another envelope! ‘What do you think’s in here?’ ‘Group date, for sure!’ Very clever, boys. This time, ‘Cover me’; the clues are so dull, but clearly the meat has been told to make some half-hearted guesses as to the nature of the date, and they end up plumping for paintballing. As we already got a preview, we know they are way, way off with their fun group activity. Sorry, meat. No running around waving your willies today: y’all gonna be standing still in checked shirts and stetsons! Yee-ha!

Sigh. Not the outdoor modelling shoot AGAIN. Memories of the dog photo session from last season still linger/haunt, months later. This time it’s even worse: they are shooting covers for Mills and Boon novels! The theme is love in the outback. At least no animals can be harmed in the making of this programme. Put down that piglet!

We have a couple of professional models in the pack: Rhys and Sam. Rhys goes into uberc#$% mode, pulling out line after line of sheer dross, making me loathe him. Episode One he merely irked; now he has moved into dangerous dilemma territory: he’s so irritating I want Georgia to get shot of him, but he’s good television material in a love to hate way. He needs to be careful; one more strike and he falls into ‘Just Go’ territory. He doesn’t want that. He’s got a rig to show off!

Bleurgh. I complained about the fleshfest last series. Thankfully, for this shoot, only one man is required to disrobe. Unfortunately, it’s Rhys. This is obviously fantastic television: Sam’s comic distaste for all things Rhys is at risk of implosion as Rhys pulls his shirt off before even being asked. For some reason – God only knows what the synopsis of this novel might be – Rhys must also pour water over himself as two other men watch. I may have to buy the book. Speaking of Mills and Boon (as I can’t imagine I ever will again in the pages of this blog), we are told that two Mills and Boon books sell every SECOND. Not every second week. Not even every second day (I would say one book a day seems fair). Two every SECOND. 120 books in one minute. Gone. Now, I know this is not impossible, but isn’t this impossible? Inconceivable? Am I doing Mills and Boon a massive disservice? There are seven billion people in the world, after all. And perhaps they’re really cheap.

I have just spent far too much time mulling over that stat (I can’t call it a fact – it’s too improbable).

Anyway, the group date passes exactly as you would expect: meat jealous of whichever cut ends up sharing a horse/bale of hay/babbling brook with Georgia; many, many cowboy accessories, and a roll of unusable poses.

The cocktail party is more fun. Rhys announces he has written a poem for Georgia. Okay, you can get to that NOW, please! But of course they make us wait. I hate Channel Ten. By the way, Rhys looks different tonight: is it really just the lack of glasses? It’s very strange – almost a different person altogether. Still irritating.

Georgia, meanwhile, is channelling Delta Goodrem in her choice of hair and make-up. It’s a good look, but it does make me want to see her waft her arms about a bit, lost in a moment.

Anyway...

Rhys approaches Georgia with literary intent. ‘Can I give you my jacket for this?’ ‘Why, is it going to leave me cold?’

She didn’t say that.

She took the jacket. ‘I would LOVE your jacket!’

She DID say that.

I know.

Obviously the poem was wank. Obviously. But Georgia has only one word on her mind tonight.

‘I LOVE that!’

You can’t. Not only was the poem useless (and inaccurate - something about being a gentleman and waiting his turn, despite barging in on her talk with Sam to bag his poem time), but the delivery was vomit-inducing. I don’t even want to think about it anymore. Happily, whilst Rhys spouted his verbal horse poo, Sam pulled his hair over his face and did a wicked impression of his rival. Incidentally, Sam’s commentary is the best thing about The Bachelorette so far. He is rapidly becoming my favourite! Courtney, you’d better do something fabulous next week to keep up, because I do think you have potential. And Sam could wilt without Rhys feeding him material like Miracle-Gro.

Okay, rose ceremony. I wish the rose plate wasn’t at crotch level: Georgia is sporting a decent thigh split in her choice of evening gown and it’s quite distracting.

So a lot of boys’ names are called and off go the flowers to their new homes.

Who is Tommy? When did he arrive? Is G getting confused with all this meat circling her?

Oh, no: Ben ejected before Aaron? What is this? I can only assume she and Aaron have not yet spoken.

I think the meat would rather have lost a threat, but there we go. Ben was clearly never a contender, but he was adorable. This episode’s highlights included: telling single date winner Jake that they’d just be sitting at the window waiting for him to get home (accompanied by imitation of dog with front paws up); asking if they had to RSVP to the group date, and saying that the other boys were better kitted out for the modelling gig than him (noting that he didn’t really have the face – circling his face with his hand – for this. So sweet).

In the cab to the station, Ben said he had been looking forward to feeling as though he had swallowed a rainbow. Perhaps it’s best he went, after all, but the Playboy mansion will be the poorer without him.

Next week looks excellent – please can Sam narrate the entire thing? Cheers.

Lx